It’s becoming harder and harder for me to not make this blog a personal one. I desperately didn’t want that, I wanted to be able to find something more important to write about. But until I can shake this depression and anxiety, my mind is set on repeat.
It began on Christmas Morning. I woke up with this nagging voice in my head that kept reminding me “you’ll never be what your ex wants.” I quietly thanked it for the reminder and attempted to go on with my day. It was supposed to be about my child, not about me. Still, the voice relented “you could lose 80lbs and he still wouldn’t have any interest in you-other than to use you.” By now I’m more than ready to beat my brains in with the nearest blunt object. The intrusive memories are coming one after another and before long I’ve got to sit down and cry for a moment.
As the tears run down my cheeks, I am aware of the fact that I don’t really know why I am crying. I broke up with my ex back in May of 2015 and, while we have a child together, things have not been easy. I go from hating him to loving him, and right as I was about to give birth things really came to a head. It was not pretty, and the damage was vast. Recently he found himself in a bit of trouble, and I thought that we might be starting to recover from the events of this summer.
I was so horribly wrong.
To be continued….